Ahh, so this is what they meant...

I meant to update this blog last week, but I was floating around in a post partum bubble of amazement and joy and was unable to focus on much else besides my precious little newborn bundle. I had to leave the house yesterday to take Evelyn to her first Pediatritian visit (neonatologist requested a 1-week post-discharge visit as opposed to the traditional 2-week visit...based on her 3-day stay in the NICU). Was the first time I left the house since I brought her home the afternoon of Friday Dec. 4th. I have no desire to leave the house at all...want to retain my bubble...know this phase won't last forever and that real life is slowly creeping it's way back in around the edges...

Evelyn Sylvia Graham was born to an enthusiastic audience of 11 people on the evening of Tuesday Dec. 1st. It wasn't meant to be a dramatic birth. In fact, our plan was to quietly birth at home, with midwives overseeing the delivery. In my 38th week of pregnancy I changed plans and decided not to birth in the hospital -- after the lamaze classes, and extensive reading and research, a 30% c-section rate at Baptist East Hospital was not at all comforting. They do things differently down here in the south; they don't allow for movement off the standard curve. This being my first pregnancy, it was likely that I'd be far from on-curve, so I switched to a home birth plan, which turned out to be a blessing...but a blessing with high dues to pay!

But more on the birth story later...

My sweet perfect Evelyn is resting comfortably as I write. I cannot believe that I have a newborn. She overwhelmes me -- I'm completely and utterly infatuated. My heart is so full, I can hardly talk about it without tears leaking out. For years I tried to convince myself that I didn't want a child of my own, didn't need one of my own, that my life could be full and complete without that experience...but I never could fully sign on to that. Tag is such an amazing father; my heart longed to share parenthood with him on a deeper level. It pulled at me constantly and I knew that I didn't want to miss out on it. Wasn't sure exactly what the "it" was...but I knew it was important and life changing. And now... Now I know what they meant. Now I know just how huge this is. It's limitless. It's gripping. And completely fabulous!

I feel oddly guilty now, for not understanding what all my friends that have gone through this were feeling. There is so much I would have done for them, so much excitement I would have shared with them! My pregnancy is that much more precious to me now, now that I know who it was all for. What it was all about. My sister-in-law Claudia wrote to me that she "coudn't understand how there could be anything but peace in the world, when people have held their babies in their arms" and that says it all so perfectly. I will never be the same.